My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
