So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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