nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
