Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
