Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
