Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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