Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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