You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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