I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
