I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
