I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
