I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
