im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize