you traded sex for a burrito?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
