Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
