the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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