i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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