i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize