they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
