remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
