need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
