I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
