dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
