we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
