Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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