So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
then he tried to convert me to islam
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
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