so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize