i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
