Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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