Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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