Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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