so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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