I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
