i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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