i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
