Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
