first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize