I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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