The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
i think i just lost a toe
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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