Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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