Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Success! We fucked roommates!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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