i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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