Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
