Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Found your dick twin last night
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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