It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
What drink are we having for lunch?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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