I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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