Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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