So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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