If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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