then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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