I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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