did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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