woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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