In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
