Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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