Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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