i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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