I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
