I wish my penis had an off switch
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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