listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
