I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
