So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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