i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
