I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
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